Twist and Shout

I have a six-year-old brother, awesome kid, love hanging out with him. The other day I took him to a children’s museum. Those places are really cool. One of the things that they had in this place that I couldn’t get enough of are those funhouse mirrors that make you look really weird. I love those things. They twist your face up and stuff, its awesome. We’re looking at these mirrors when my brother says he has to pee. So we go into the restroom and there is a gentleman with his back to me washing his hands.  And I see his reflection and his face are kind of messed up. I say to the guy “Cool! They even have these mirrors in the bathroom!” And this guy gives me the most confused look I have ever seen. The reason why is because when I got in front of the mirror nothing happened. Turns out, they actually didn’t have funhouse mirrors in the bathroom. This guy just had Down syndrome. 

Erection detection

I started to run recently. And I’m actually pretty good at it. I’m really fast. Like I go and annoy the shit out of people just so they’ll chase me. And I don’t really have long legs or anything that would give me an unfair advantage over any other average Joe, I just did some research and figured out a way to make myself more aerodynamic.  You guys wanna know how I do it? I run with an erection.

Fat Dirty Girl

So I know this girl and she's fuckin dirty. And not like you need a bath dirty, I'm talking that the people at the testing center know her by name dirty. So she's been putting on weight recently and the other day I saw her crying. So being the compassionate person I am I went over to see why she sounded like a beached whale. So I'm like "hey shampoo what's wrong" "what?" "nothing what's wrong with you?" she's like "I'm getting so fat and I don't know why I keep trying to lose weight and nothing is working. I don't know what's wrong with me" "I do." "What?" "You mean you don't know? The reason why you are getting so fat is because semen is FULL of calories.” She’s like “really?” “Oh god yes. Semen is one of the worst things a person can possibly ingest. It’s the leading cause of bad breath, yellow teeth, cancer, hair loss, and much more. Keep goin down bust-down boulevard and you’ll look like Jay Leno in a matter of weeks. (Shhhhh) Now that girl is a lesbian.

Assholes are like hockey rinks



So I play hockey, real fun sport but the rink my team plays at is a complete shithole. Like we go to other rinks and are like whoa dude look they have bleachers here! And look the zambonie actually works! And this roof doesn't leak at all. But anyway, lately they've been trying to spruce our rink up. They new vending machines, some decorations for the holidays, most of them are crayon drawings from the employee’s refrigerators you know trying to make it look nice. But to me it's like you can clean an asshole, but it's still an asshole. It's dirty either way.

The Beer Pong Spill

I’m a senior in high school, a lot of my friends are really into politics but I don’t really give a shit. A couple of months ago they were like dude did you see Obama’s speech about BP last night? “Wait a second, our president gave a whole speech about beer pong?”  They’re like “You’re an idiot” “Fuck yeah I am. How did I not hear about this? Is he going to make it an Olympic sport or something? I should try out.”

Handjob Horror

I’m not a fan of hand jobs. Girls we’re much better at it I’m not going to lie. Quit wasting your time. And the reason I don’t like hand jobs is because I believe that I got the worst hand job in the history of hand jobs. At one point she looked like Tom Cruise in Top Gun trying to wrestle the joystick of his fighter jet after he flew into some jet wash. “Goose I’m loosing control. We’re going down Goose!” This girl was so terrible that the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay would be peeking over the fence like “Oh God, she’s ruthless.” “Yeah, we should recruit her.” Like this girl was pretty much playing whack a mole with my dick. I’m talking about hammer fist, bitch slap, fire starter, curb stomp. So finally after I couldn’t take any more of her attempts to castrate me, I stopped her, pulled out a pen and paper, and said “Here, I’ll finish, you take notes.”

Animal Dick

I was watching a food special on the Travel Channel the other day. Other countries have weird delicacies, you ever notice that? Like there is this one country in South America that considers llama penis a delicacy. I would never eat that, and it’s not that I’m against trying new things, it’s just that I’m scared of it. Like what if I end up loving the taste of llama penis? Like so much that I want to have it all the time. Can you imagine the awkward dinners? Take out your girl to a nice restraint, waiters like “What can I get for you?” “Um I’ll have the llama penis, uncircumcised, done medium well. Hey where are you going? You’re breaking up with me?”